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LEFT FEELING REJECTED BY A PAST RELATIONSHIP, GABRIELLA LIPSKA NOW CAN’T STOP MESSAGING HER MEN. IF YOUR DATES END IN DISASTER TOO, MAYBE YOU’RE SUFFERING FROM POST TRAUMATIC DATING DISORDER…

By Judy Yorke

The door had barely closed behind her when Gabriella reached for her mobile phone and texted her boyfriend.

They had just enjoyed a romantic weekend but, less than 20 minutes after they kissed goodbye at her front door, Gabriella was desperate to tell Mike* again how much she’d enjoyed their time together.

She punched in the text, put down her mobile and waited for his response.

Gabriella waited, and waited, and waited.

She sent two more texts that evening, the first a funny picture and then another saying she assumed he wasn’t interested.

Two days later, Mike finally sent a flat response explaining he’d been too busy to answer her messages.

“Everyone can find a few minutes to send a text,” she fired back.

It was the final straw and she never heard from him again.

Mike, 42, was one of a string of boyfriends to split with Gabriella, 41, without giving any reason.

As a result, she’s so desperate for reassurance from her partner that if he doesn’t reply to a text instantly or in the right way, Gabriella gets deeply upset and fears it’s all over.

Her behaviour is a classic symptom of what American relationship expert Lucia Demasi has dubbed Post Traumatic Dating Disorder (PTDD).

“Women with PTDD respond irrationally to small provocations in relationships,” explains Lucia.

“They assume the worst for no logical reason, based on what’s happened to them in the past.

"For instance, like Gabriella, sufferers might date someone who stops calling and then splits up with them.

“When they date someone new who doesn’t call when he says he will, they immediately assume it’s all over when there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation.

“It’s different from having ‘baggage’ as this can come from any part of your life, whereas PTDD comes solely from your dating experiences.”

Gabriella’s PTDD was sparked when she found herself back on the dating scene at the age of 38 after a 12-year marriage.

She met several men through a dating agency, but all her romances fizzled out after just two months when they suddenly stopped calling.

“What’s happened in the past has made me nervous in new relationships,” explains Gabriella, who has two children and lives in Swindon.

“I used to think things were going well, then my boyfriends stopped contacting me.

I’d send them texts but they wouldn’t reply and I’d have no explanation about what went wrong.

“I know that by texting and calling a lot I come across as being insecure and high maintenance, which is off-putting for guys, but I can’t help it.

I try to control my behaviour but I can’t seem to get past the two-month mark before it falls apart and I start reading all the signals wrong.”

Lucia says Gabriella’s case is a classic example of PTDD.

“Gabriella initiates a lot of contact and when the guy doesn’t respond, the PTDD kicks in,” she explains.

“To be surer of his feelings she needs to let him make contact of his own accord.

If he’s interested, he will get in touch. Don’t forget men enjoy the chase.”

Gabriella, who works in bank admin, says she has already tried to change her behaviour in new relationships.

“I totally accept what Lucia says and it pretty much sums me up.

"I’m trying not to text so much now especially as my new partner isn’t very keen on phone messaging.

"But he’s been very open about that, so I’m trying to limit my expectations,” she admits.

Another sufferer, Lynne Dynowski, developed PTDD aged 20 after her live-in boyfriend of two years began distancing himself from her in a bid to end their relationship.

“Darren* was around 15 years older than me but he suddenly turned very cold,” explains Lynne.

“Holding hands on walks and cuddles on the sofa changed to taking separate cars and sitting on separate chairs.

“He’d pick a fight with me for something as stupid as me eating a biscuit, and he wouldn’t call me when he was supposed to.”

Eventually, Darren got his wish and Lynne, now 30, from Glasgow, ended the relationship.

She began dating Andy* in 2001, but worried that history would repeat itself.

“On one occasion, he didn’t return a call and I assumed the worst.

"I decided enough was enough, so I called him ready for a fight,” she explains.

“I asked him if he wanted to end it.

"I felt stupid when he said he’d left his mobile in a bar and had only just got it back.

"But that was the beginning of the end.

"Our relationship limped on for three months before we finally split.

“After that, if a boyfriend didn’t ring, I’d be sick with worry.

"Part of me knew they could be caught up at work or had bumped into someone, but I’d convince myself that they must be seeing someone else.”

Lucia thinks Lynne could overcome her PTDD if she distracted herself from feeling so negative about her relationships.

“Lynne’s problem is a common one,” she says.

“Women tend to find fault and often overreact.

"She shouldn’t say or do anything until she’s feeling calm about the situation and has her emotions in check.”

Apart from one brief relationship, Lynne, a hospital administrator, has now been single for four years because she can’t face the pressure of being in a relationship.

However, armed with Lucia’s advice, she says she is ready to give dating another try.

“I’m definitely up for change,” she says.

“I will take Lucia’s advice and count to 10 before opening my mouth next time so that I can rationalise my thoughts first.”

‘I CHEATED TO BEAT HIM TO IT’

Kym Acott, 31, from Suffolk, is an office temp. She was so convinced her partner would have an affair, she betrayed him first.

I met my first serious boyfriend, Paul*, when we were both 19.

We were together for four years, but after we split up I learnt he’d cheated on me twice.

After that, I’d always look for things to go wrong in relationships.

I’ve always had a jealous streak, but if things had been different with Paul, I’d have learnt to trust men.

When I met Martin*, 20, I was so jealous, we’d row about him speaking to a barmaid in a club.

He was in the army and whenever he came back I’d go through his stuff looking for clues he’d been unfaithful.

I’d search his phone for new numbers.

After four years together, I found a phone number hidden in a CD case. I rang it.

A woman answered and admitted she was seeing him. I was absolutely distraught. I really loved him.

When I started dating Simon*, an American, I worried he’d cheat on me too.

He was 32 and divorced with a child, so he was still in touch with his ex.

I’d secretly read their emails and listen to their conversations, just in case something was going on.

In the end I cheated on Simon because I thought: ‘Why wait for it to happen to me again?’

I quite enjoyed feeling I’d got one up on him.

I never told Simon and we split up two years ago when he went back to the States.

He asked me to go with him but we hadn’t been together long enough to make that commitment.

I’ve been single since then. I just don’t want to get involved in another relationship.

Lucia says: “Kym needs to understand that by being irrationally jealous she is the biggest threat to her relationships, not other women.

"All she can do is be a fair and trusting partner, and if it still doesn’t work out, then the guy isn’t for her."

 

Do you have an extreme dating story? Do you become obsessive about men? Has modern technology ruined your relationship?

JOIN THE DISCUSSION NOW IN THE FAB FORUM

 

*ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED Photography: IAN MACNICOL, SYRIOL JONEs, alistair devine HAIR AND MAKE-UP: RHONA STEWART at THE MODELTEAM, Jenny clark at MUSTARD MODELS, lizzie court at time Visit Lucia’s website, Theartoflove.net