'SELF-HARM WEBSITES ALMOST KILLED ME’

The dark world of pro-harm websites nearly cost teenager Millie Brewer her life. This is her shocking story

By Claie Wilson

Sitting cross-legged on her bed, teenager Millie Brewer stares at the images of mutilated arms and legs that flash up on her computer screen.

Although shocked by the pictures, she can't turn away. She feels, at last, that she's found a group of people just like her: young girls who self-harm – to the extreme.

Millie, 19, originally from Stockton-on-Tees, Co Durham, started mutilating herself when she was bullied at school for having red hair. She was just 10 years old.

"One bully told me I deserved to feel pain. I found myself agreeing," she says quietly. "That night I went into my room, unfurled a paper clip and dug the end into my arm until I bled. It hurt, but with the pain came a kind of release."

That was the start of years of self-abuse. Millie started using protractors, compasses, even razor blades to slash herself. Soon her arms were a criss-cross of scars. She kept her injuries hidden under long-sleeved tops and withdrew from her friends and family.

"My life was a daily misery. I knew I should have told someone, but I didn't want to upset my family," she recalls.

Eventually, Millie was harming herself up to 10 times a day.

Self-harming first came to light in the '60s, but it was rare. In recent years, this worrying trend has escalated to the extent that one in three teenage girls are thought to self-harm regularly.

And news stories that celebs such as Angelina Jolie and Amy Winehouse have self-harmed in the past has made the act of cutting yourself seem 'cool'.

After three years of self-harming in secret, Millie went online to find the support she needed to help her stop.

"I knew cutting myself was wrong, but it made me feel so good when I did it. Of course that rush of pain and relief mixed together didn't last long and a few hours later I'd have to hurt myself again," she says.

"I was desperate to find other people like me so I could talk to them about what I was doing and find a way to stop, so I searched for self-harm websites on the computer in my bedroom.

"Several sites flashed up, and when I clicked through to one, I was horrified, but fascinated, by what I saw. There were pictures of people with deep cuts on their arms and legs. Some had even carved words into themselves."

Sickened, yet curious, Millie posted a message asking one self-harmer how she managed to hide her vivid scars.

"Wear your scars proudly," came the immediate response.

Rather than finding the help she so desperately needed, Millie had unwittingly stumbled upon warped sites that promote self-harming – similar to the pro-anorexia web pages that encourage people to take their eating disorders to the extreme. These twisted sites tell troubled teens how to mutilate themselves and flaunt their injuries online.

Although Millie knew the websites were dangerous, once she'd logged on, she couldn't tear herself away. Finally, she was connecting with others who seemed to understand her secret world of pain. It wasn't long before she was logging on to the sites five days a week for advice and tips.

"My computer was in my room so I would mostly go on to the web forums late at night when my parents were in bed," Millie confesses.

"I'd ask the other users what else I could use to harm myself, because I wanted to know if there was a quicker or better way. They also advised me to always keep dressings and antiseptic close so that I could control the blood loss and keep my wounds sterile. So I secretly raided Mum's first-aid box and kept the stuff hidden in my room – along with my razor blades.

"Another time I posted a question asking where on my body I could draw the most blood," she adds.

"Almost immediately, I got a reply telling me exactly where I should cut myself in order to see the most blood leaving my body, giving me the release I craved. I did just as they suggested. I knew it was wrong, but I hung on their every word."

Millie hid herself away from her parents – they assumed she was simply being a moody teenager. What they couldn't know was that, while locked away in her room, she was desperately searching out new and 'better' ways to hurt herself.

One night she was online when she typed the question: "What more can I do to harm myself?" An answer popped up: "I think you should cut deeper tonight, don't wimp out."

"I knew what they were saying wasn't right, but weirdly I thought they understood me, that they cared," says Millie.

While she would look at pictures of people who had cut themselves, Millie never posted any of her herself. She knew she shouldn't be mutilating her body, but was too ashamed to confide in anyone at school or home – and too addicted to stop.

"Even in PE I would hide my arms by wearing a long-sleeved jumper. It was hell in the summer, but there was no way I was letting anyone see my scarred flesh," she says.

Millie was 15 and at a sleepover when a school friend caught sight of her scarred arms.

"She was so shocked, she burst into tears," Millie recalls. "I begged her to keep it a secret."

Although she thought she was doing a good job of keeping her self-harming to herself, her parents were increasingly concerned by her withdrawn behaviour.

One evening, as her mum tidied her room, she found Millie's secret stash of razor blades.

"My mum asked to see my arms and legs and I reluctantly showed her my scars," she admits.

"I was crying and Mum was shocked and upset. She insisted I saw our doctor, offering to come with me, but I refused and stormed out of the house. I came back a few hours later, but refused to speak about it. She was so shocked, but there was nothing she could do.

"I think she was scared of what I might do if she pushed me any further. After that, any time she tried to bring it up I would tell her to leave me alone, saying I'd stopped."

But she hadn't. Millie kept logging on to websites and sharing her stories of extreme self-harm. Then one night at her local youth club, a voluntary helper saw a recent cut on her left forearm.

"She took me away to a quiet corner and asked about the cuts," Millie remembers. "At that moment, I broke down. I was so tired of my life and I wanted real help to stop."

With the youth worker's support, Millie confessed her addiction to her parents and agreed to see a child psychologist. She was banned from her home computer, encouraged to keep a ‘feelings' diary and to wear an elastic band around her wrist. When she felt the urge to cut herself, she had to ping the band instead, and run up the nearest flight of stairs.

"It sounds silly, but the elastic band was a substitute for the physical harm I'd become addicted to when I cut myself – it gave me the same rush," she explains. "And running up stairs was a technique to keep my mind off cutting myself."

The techniques worked. For six months, Millie didn't cut herself. Then, last year, after a traumatic therapy session, Millie crumbled.

One night, when she was staying with a friend, she got up in the night, took an overdose of painkillers and slashed her legs with a razor.

Her friend's parents found her unconscious in a pool of blood. She was rushed to hospital where doctors patched up her wounds. It was the shock Millie needed to finally turn her life around.

"I felt lucky to be alive and realised that life was worth living. After that I found the strength to stop," she says.

With her parents' help, Millie continued with therapy. In January she moved to north London to start afresh, and hasn't harmed herself or visited a pro-harm website since. But she will carry the scars of her addiction forever.

"I turned to pro-harm websites for support, but instead you're made to feel weak if you don't do what they're all doing," she says.

"On reflection they were such vile and cold places, even giving lists about how to hide injuries from loved ones. Arguments often broke out online and it would get really vicious. People would goad other users.

"Ironically, I'd found a place full of hate, when all I wanted was to feel accepted," Millie adds. "When I finally found the strength to leave the forums, I was terrified for weeks that somehow they would track me down, they'd had such a hold on me.

"If I had carried on using these websites, I don't know if I would still be alive today."

'THESE SITES ARE LETHAL AND SHOULD BE BANNED'

Youth behavioural expert Claudette Deysel says:

"Once self-harming was totally taboo, but the internet has resulted in dark communities springing up, which try to pretend that this sort of behaviour is the norm.

Young people who are drawn into them are persuaded that cutting themselves is acceptable and self-harmers are made to feel like they finally belong.

Visitors are given tips and advice about self-harming – what type of things to use, where to cut – which could lead to someone ending up losing their life.

The sites glamorise self-harm and seriously endanger young lives. They are a ticking time bomb which need to be tackled now. We need a campaign to get them off the web and a watchdog group set up to block access."

What do you think of Millie's story? Do you think the Internet can do more harm than good? Have you overcome an addiction? >>

For help and support, visit the National Self Harm Network (Nshn.co.uk), Affinityhealth.co.uk or Mind (0845 766 0163).

ADDITIONAL REPORTING: EIMEAR O’HAGAN   PHOTOGRAPHY: SONJA HORSMAN  HAIR & MAKE-UP: SHERRIE WARWICK   MILLIE WEARS: TOP, MONSOON, JEANS, NEW LOOK  *NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED