'MY MISSUS BEATS ME UP!'

Ding-dong! Fabulous needed a cold shower after going 12 rounds with bad-boy actor Danny Dyer

By Jess Spiring

Name: Danny Dyer

Age: 31

Occupation: Actor

Loving the Rocky look, Danny. Which celeb would you like to have a dust-up with?
Peter Andre. I'd love to bash him up. He's so f***ing irritating. I hate everything about him. And his wife.
Okaaaaay.

Who last gave you a smack?
My missus, Joanne Mas. During one row she pushed a KFC Zinger Burger in my face, hit me with a shoe and smashed up my Porsche with a broom handle. Then she walked back in whistling. I reckon she's borderline schizophrenic. She'd deny it – or at least one of her personalities would.

Is that why you're not married?
Nah, I wouldn't have her any other way. I love her to bits. We've been together since we were 14 and we'll get married one day. Besides our kids , marriage is the biggest commitment.

You had a break in 2001 because you cheated on her with actress Davinia Taylor. Is that a regret?
Yes, I still feel terrible. It was disgusting behaviour. Our relationship wasn't working, but there are no excuses.

Are you a secret softie?
If you could see me trying to get Barbie into a bikini when I'm playing with my daughter, you would know the truth.

Ah, bless. Do you cry too?
I shed a tear seeing Shaheen Jafargholi do Michael Jackson on Britain's Got Talent. Actors need to be quite emotional, a bit insecure and unhappy in our own skin. That's me.

Women love you – what's the rudest proposition to date?
Birds say unrepeatable things to me. They're worse than men and are always grabbing my bum and bits.

Will you be starring in EastEnders, as rumours have suggested?
It was very flattering to be told I could save the show, but it's not right for me at the moment. Maybe when I'm fat, bald and 50.

A little birdie tells us you embraced your role in new movie City Rats…
I play a drunk, so had a couple of cans of Special Brew each morning. It wasn't easy explaining that to the missus. She was like: "You stink of booze. You've been working? Do you think I was born yesterday?!"

Are you a bad boy in bed, too?
It depends on the mood. You have to go with the moment, but it's hard to keep things fresh with kids around. Sex is all about snatched moments.

Who last saw you naked?
Two cage fighters called Ian and Dave . They were ripped to f***, so it was very embarrassing for me. But I've got a bigger package.

We'll take your word for it. Who would you like to see in the nude?
Bruce Forsyth. I'd want him naked as the day he was born. No wig, nothing. We'd dance around starkers then sit down for a nice glass of port.

Seriously, though, have you ever fancied a man?
Er, no. That would make me gay. But I can see why some men are beautiful. Like George Clooney.

If he was the last person on earth, would you?
Oh yeah. I'd take him for a nice Chinese. A few spring rolls… Then it would be game on!

Wasn't Madonna your first crush?
In the '80s she was a sort. But now she looks f****d.

Are you a bum or boob guy?
Both. But I love legs. In tights. Oh God, I love a pair of tights.

How do you get Joanne going?
I'm pretty romantic. I try to do thoughtful things, like running a bath, or buying little things I know she'll like. But you girls, you're never happy.

What makes you happy?
Spending the day in bed eating crisps, farting and talking with Joanne. Not caring that we haven't had showers or that our hair's all over the place. That's what love is all about.

Do you understand why you do it for us ladies?
It’s my accent. And the roles I play - sexy bad boys.

Is Danny Dyer your kind of man? Do you go for bad boys? Do you like a man who’s in touch with his feminine side? >>

PHOTOGRAPHY: JAY BROOKS, SPLASH GROOMING: CAROLINE PIASECKI STYLING: PENNY BAKER, LUCIE CLIFFORD DANNY WEARS: VEST, TOPMAN; SHORTS AND GLOVES, LONSDALE