IF YOU’RE STILL WAITING FOR THE ONE AND (BE HONEST, NOW) YOU BELIEVE RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD RUN LIKE A ROMCOM SCRIPT, YOU COULD BE SUFFERING FROM AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION

By Kathryn Knight

 

Have you ever dismissed a perfectly decent date because that ‘magic' wasn't there? Perhaps you've settled down with a partner – or, worse still, your husband – but are still waiting for your soulmate to turn up?

If that sounds familiar, you could be suffering from happy-ever-after addiction – and your favourite romcoms are to blame.

According to new research, feel-good films such as Sleepless In Seattle and When Harry Met Sally, aren't innocent escapism, oh no. Like shoot-'em-ups and other video nasties, scientists say these movies should come with their own government health warnings because they cause so much psychological damage.

Researchers have found that romcoms promote unrealistic expectations when it comes to our love lives. Some of us, it seems, are missing out on Mr Right because we're too busy waiting for our modern-day Prince Charming to come along.

Sounds barmy? Relationship psychologist Jenni Trent-Hughes certainly doesn't think so. She sees dozens of women every year who can't square the soft and squidgy on-screen happy-ever-afters with their own situations. As she puts it: "Fairy tales haven't gone away, they just come on DVD now. Many of the women I counsel spend their first session arguing: ‘Cinderella and Pretty Woman did it, so why can't it happen to me?'"

Of course, we learn quickly enough as kids that fairy tales aren't the stuff of real life – by the time we've left primary school, there's usually been some innocent form of romantic disappointment that shows us a gal doesn't always get her prince. By our teenage years, a couple of intense but doomed romances are enough to make us a little more cynical and questioning.

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Where romcoms come in, though, is that they give us a fairy tale with a twist. No simple boy loves girl here – instead it's boy hates girl and girl hates boy, or girl loves boy and boy doesn't know it. They take our fairy tales and rough them up a bit, make them seem a bit more relevant and believable. But they all end up the same way, with a big romantic heart-shaped ending of misunderstandings resolved and everlasting love found.

The problem, of course, is that real (love) life isn't like that at all – and while few of us will fess up to being swayed by these fictional stories, they can influence more than we let on. As Dr Bjarne Holmes, from Edinburgh's Heriot-Watt University, points out: "The problem is that while most of us know the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by movie portrayals than you realise. Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it."

As a result, some of us find it hard to go out and look for Mr Right, believing fate will bring them together, while others can end up projecting unrealistic desires on to their existing relationships.

Of course, that's not to say there's anything wrong with losing yourself in a romantic film. But Jenni Trent-Hughes has a suggestion. Watch them by all means, but keep them in context.

"Here's the thing – write your own happy ending," she says. "Don't believe what you've been told or what you've seen. Keep the story as what it is, a laugh or a weep – but not the truth."

 

 

Seven signs you've got Happy-Ever-After addiction

1. You believe in The One and daydream about meeting him.

2. You dump great men if there are no instant fireworks.

3. Your DVD collection is full of Hugh Grant films.

4. You believe in love at first sight.

5. You know your star sign's perfect match.

6. You're first in line to catch a bride's bouquet.

7. Your email is lookingformrdarcy@love.com.

 

‘Sometimes Mr Wrong can be so right'

If you want to be happy, throw your romcoms in the rubbish bin, says author Kathy Lette, 49

During my teens, an obsession with love stories like Pride And Prejudice left me desperate to find The One. Nothing special, just someone who was drop-dead gorgeous and a millionaire who could arm-wrestle crocodiles with one hand while whipping up a soufflé with the other. We would meet, fall madly in love and head off into the sunset together to live happily ever after. Roll credits.

Of course, no one came up to my exacting standards, and I ended up practically celibate. Unsurprisingly, I was forced to lower my standards. Compared to the high romantic hopes I'd previously entertained, Gary, a brickie's labourer and my first serious boyfriend, was scraping the barrel. He had a tattoo, which was probably his only reading material, and his grammar was appalling. He wasn't exactly my type, but try telling that to my libido. Sometimes Mr Wrong can be so right!

Since Gary I've met The One many times – and married two of them so far!

Forget the rippling biceps and serious pecs appeal of those romcom love gods. What women really look for is a man who's perfect enough to understand why we're not.

 

PHOTOGRAPHY: GETTY, ALLSTAR, REX, ALPHA