The other night, my boyfriend and I were watching footage of Princess Diana's wedding (yes, I know that's weird, but we're getting hitched soon and it is The Most Famous Wedding Ever).
And you know what? Apart from the Queen Mum's fluffy, green, Orville-esque hat (seriously, YouTube it - it's more entertaining than singing 'sensation' Rebecca Black), Chuck and Di's do was a bit (whisper it) boring. Send me to the Tower, but honestly it was. Which kind of made me wonder: will Kate and Wills' wedding - despite all their pretty, toothy, glossy-haired 'we're so normal we even buy oven-bake pizza in McColl's' schtick - actually be any better? Wouldn't you secretly prefer an invitation to the nuptials of The Other Kate (aka Miss Moss) when she marries rocker Jamie Hince in July?
Let's face it, when it comes to style and scandal, Moss is going to knock the garter off Middleton's gym-honed leg. This is the woman whose 30th started with a sedate celeb-filled (Naomi, Stella, Sadie) champers-and-canapés bash, and reportedly ended in a drunken orgy in a swanky hotel way past our bedtime.
Sure, Kate's calmed down, but not that much - for her 34th, she decided to party one hour for each year of her life (OK, she only made it to 18, but I'd have crashed out after three). So, La Moss' wedding reception has to be wild: Marianne Faithfull and Keith Richards doing karaoke, Gwynnie smashed on non-organic wine, Sadie and Jude drunkenly scrapping over school fees on the dance floor...
Could the same be said of William and Kate's? I think not. Harry and Chelsy might try to liven things up, but everyone's going to be on their best behaviour. The Queen will be there, for heaven's sake. They're not going to be swinging from the chandeliers, while Liz quietly sips her Dubonnet.
Then there's the food. Wedding grub has always been wasted on me. Less food,
more fizz, thanks. And that's bound to be the mantra of Mossy. Back over at
Middleton's, they'll be tucking in to a traditional royal banquet. I've seen
Blackadder, there'll be 27 courses and people tearing up chicken legs with
their teeth.
And, yes, I get that a million brides are holding off buying their dress until they see what Middleton steps out in, but let's face facts - she's marrying into the royal family. It's going be elegant, appropriate and understated. In other words, dull.
Why is no one flipping out over what Moss is or isn't going to wear? She's a supermodel. It's her job to look amazing. This is a woman who is rumoured to have ordered a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding-style frock just for her hen do. Imagine what she'll pull out for the big day.
Less food, more fizz will be Moss' mantra
Those pictures of Moss in the front row at London Fashion Week - that's her congregation. The aisle she'll sashay down (probably smoking a fag, swigging from a bottle of bubbly and, please God, musically accompanied from the pulpit by Pete Doherty) - it's the ultimate catwalk.
It's not that I have anything against the royals. One of my major claims to fame is that my dad was one of the Queen's guards, looking after Her Maj and the corgis (how cool?!). But string quartets vs whisky-soaked rock bands? Polo players vs the prospect of ex-boyfriend guests like actual Johnny Depp turning up? Kate and Wills may well have the fairy-tale ending, but it's not for me.
So, Kate (Moss, that is), if you're reading this, please, please save me an invite.
