CELEBS...CELEBS...CELEBS...CELEBS...CELEBS...CELEBS...CELEBS...

LOCK UP YOUR BARBIE DOLLS! WISE-CRACKING TV COMIC KATY BRAND, 29, LETS RIP ON WHY IT'S TIME WE FOUND SOME NEW FEMALE ROLE MODELS

I MIGHT not have the best track record when it comes to relationships, but where lessons in love are concerned, I’ve learnt the lot – and yes, most of them the hard way.

And do you know who I blame? Snow White. And Cinderella. And Sleeping Beauty, and Rapunzel and all the other so-called heroines who, as far as I can tell, spent their lives passively cleaning, sleeping or just waiting for their Prince Charming to come along, so their lives could start.

I grew up in the ’80s, when Margaret Thatcher was Prime Minister, Elizabeth was on the throne and Madonna was at number one. I couldn’t have asked for a more empowered time to be a young girl.

And yet here I am in 2008, worrying, and I mean really worrying, about what shape my pubic hair should be. Landing strip? Neat triangle? All gone? I’m embarrassed for myself.

And don’t even get me started on body image. I’ll never get back the hours I’ve wasted on thinking about how big my bottom is. And the irony is, no man I’ve ever slept with has had any particular problem with it – some even liked it!

DO YOU THINK YOU ABOUT KATY'S VIEWS? CLICK HERE FOR READERS' COMMENTS

I recently bared my bum on a TV sketch show. I held my breath and dropped my pants, thinking: “You can kiss goodbye to seducing anyone who has seen this show!”

Yet I’ve never had so many offers – men sidling up to me at parties, whispering they’d “very much enjoyed seeing a ‘real a***’ on the telly”. So why am I bothered?

But it’s not just Cinders and her fairy-tale friends who are a waste of skin and breasts. Barbie has a case to answer too.

For a start, she’s not even anatomically correct – any woman who genuinely had her proportions would be dead, or in a freak show. It’s not right and it’s not fair.

But here’s the thing – I’ve decided to stop whingeing. Yes, let’s all stop moaning and use our time to create fascinating, exciting, sexy lives instead.

Let’s kick Cinderella to a pulp, stick a pin in Barbie and get ourselves some new role models – the original St Trinian’s girls, explorer Gertude Bell, Cleopatra, Boudicca – all incredible, powerful women who did whatever they felt like, whenever they felt like doing it, and didn’t spend hours wondering about their bottoms – front or back.

And for a really distorted body image, spare a thought for the men – after all, Ken was smooth all the way round.