LIKE MADONNA, WRITER JULIE BURCHILL IS ABOUT TO TURN 50. BUT THAT’S WHERE THE SIMILARITIES END, SAYS JULIE, IN THIS STINGING CRITIQUE ON THE PO-FACED QUEEN OF POP

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Next July, I’ll be 50...

Me, always the youngest in the room, hitting the half- century! Madonna turns 50 on Saturday. Her life, unlike the gleeful shambles which I look back on, has been a meticulously-planned, rigorously-executed progression from pop starlet to showbiz mogul.

And as the years have gone by, I’ve grown to loathe the woman.

A few months back I called her “pompous, pretentious, hypocritical and humourless”.

Not that I imagine she gives a flying frigaboo about my opinion, but it is interesting to me, at least, exactly how my feelings have changed across her three decades of fame.

Back in the ’80s, I gushed that Madonna “looks like a whore and thinks like a pimp; the very best sort of modern girl”. Talk about damning with faint praise! But back then, that was the sort of girl we admired.

I still do, to some extent, although the spiritual, self-denying Mrs Ritchie obviously does not. Which made me think about the other issues on which we don’t agree as we approach our 50th birthdays…

GYM JUNKIE

I have always believed that health and beauty are like petrol – to be burnt – rather than like fruit – to be preserved. As she reputedly spends three hours a day in the gym, Madonna probably believes the opposite.

Now, I mean this in a caring way, if I’d spent three hours a day in the gym for the past 20 years, I’d want to look a way sight better than that. Ten turkeys fighting in a draught-excluder, anyone? Thought not.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Bisexuality is a revolting word, recalling as it does the word bicycle, which in turn recalls the word bike, which in turn recalls the theory that bisexuals are simply slags, and indecisive slags at that.

Nevertheless, both Madonna and myself have hopped between surf ’n’ turf when it comes to the smorgasbord of sexual enchantment.

The difference being that, despite numerous sexy kisses with women, Madonna’s dabble with lesbianism seems designed to shock rather than be a way of life.

Madge has only ever committed herself to men, and what a selection!

Both Sean Penn and Guy Ritchie were rich boys who played at being tough guys, but whose scars surely must have come from falling off their ponies and landing face first on their silver spoons.

I, on the other hand, bagged myself just about the best man in the world 13 years ago. And if he ever left me, I’d definitely go for a girl next time because what would be the point in going for a lesser man?

FINDING RELIGION

The revelation of late-life religious faith has led me to give away a cool £250,000, to befriend whores without asking for a freebie, and to embrace the poor without holding my nose.

Yet Madonna discovering Kabbalah has led her to say stuff like: “I have moments where I feel incredibly invincible and I know that I have the audience in my hand – I know that everything is absolutely perfect. And then I have panic attacks where I feel like everyone is breathing my air and I can’t live up to everybody’s expectations. I normally try to turn my back to the audience, take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s all temporary. I really have a panic attack that everyone else is breathing my air.”

What Christ-like modesty, humility and generosity of spirit. Stop breathing her air, you useless bunch of unfamous breathers! I think it’s fair to say that finding faith has given her yet another reason to believe that this is her world, and the rest of us are just lying around making the place look untidy.

HUMOUR BYPASS

Madonna has never struck me as being over-burdened with a sense of humour, but her recent pronouncements – such as her claim last summer that she had been working with scientists to find a way to neutralise radiation – have begun to mark her out as a promising future source of cheap laughs.

And, at the end of the day, what higher goal could such a consummate entertainer possibly aspire to? God bless you, ma’am!

Do you think Madonna looks good for age? Has she grown old gracefully or is she fighting the inevitable? Madonna has changed a lot over the years – at what age do you think she looked her best?

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photography: tom wichelow, xposure, rex, wenn